IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY (2003)

“Can we talk about this? Icky. MichaelDoug, as usual, cheats on his wife. But in atypical Dougie fashion he gets all neurotic about it. His wife is BernPeters with hair like a pile of tomato fucilli. Seeing the once mighty Papa Kirk wearing a yamulka and warbling prayers with a stroked-out rasp kinda blows. If he’d led a Seder in a 1950’s film it would all be different for us. No Woody Allen. And worst of all: son Cameron playing a dopey drug dealer who gets busted. This movie was filmed IN-BETWEEN his actual drug deal busts. Dumb-ass?.” 
-Dick Gazelle 

KITTY PRYDE: OKAY CUPID (VIDEO, 2012)

“The other night I was drinking a 40 in Thompkins Square Park, and the next day I felt like Nick Nolte’s mug shot, and I compared it to trying to play pickup basketball and realizing that you can’t jump anymore and you got Styrofoam knees. So. Kitty. Even though I could have biologically fathered her, she reminds me of when all I wanted was to hang out with hipster drug-snorty girls that liked feminism and cool music. Now I read the J. Crew catalog in bed. Am I dead, God?”
-Tommy Gazelle

MARTIN AND LEWIS (2002)

“TV Biopic about Dino and Jerry. Did you know that Jerry needed attention so bad that he’d fake a stomach-ache every time Dino made the crew laugh? Did you know Dino was a emotionless cool guy who loved no one? Did you know their comedy was about as funny as an Adam Sandler movie?”
-Dick Gazelle 

CHERRY 2000 (1987)

“Oily future yuppie accidently destroys his sex-robot because the dishwasher overflows, so he hires MelGriff to take him into a forbidden desert zone to find new microchip. The weird thing is that MelGriff reads all her dialogue as if she was a robot too. The message of this feminist allegory is nuanced: have sess with real women, not robots.”
-Dick Gazelle 

“Time to blow minds: What if Griff IS a robot!!!? Like - you know how everyone says HarFord is really a replicant in BLADE RUNNER but doesn’t know it? Right? And do we know whether this takes place in the BLADE RUNNER universe? Or if BOTH take place in the ALIEN universe and Griff is actually the same base technology as Lance Henriksen AND Rutger Hauer!!? The possibilities are staggering, I…wait…sorry. I meant, ‘Yeah. MelGriff was foxy back then and it’s cooler to prong live chixx than robots. Right fellas!?’”
-Tommy Gazelle

THE FABULOUS BAKER BOYS (1989)

“There’s probs a deleted scene where the Baker Boys have to Windex off the piano-top where Pfeiff was singing cause she took it to that level. Do you think Beau Bridges and Randy Quaid hang out and bitterly empathize with each other about being the barney-ish older brothers to cool guys who always got the girls? Kind of a Johnny Drama life. Howie Gosling, knows what’s up. ‘”
-Dick Gazelle 

THE AVENGERS (2012)

“The other Gazelles are boycotting this because of some comic-industry beef but I forked over a Jackson and it was a worthy investment. Excelsior, Joss. Kind of boring-zone at times but at others it was like I was watching Jack Kirby’s mind-movie.  But yo? For the sequel? Less Fury and Hawkeye, please. More Hulk and Scarjo’s tushy”
-Dick Gazelle 

“I picked up a recent issue of AVENGERS, and ol’ brother Hawkeye, he of the totally awesome scale-mail chest guard and weird pointy facemask, was drawn to look JUST LIKE RENNER in sunglasses and a sleeveless black uni. And now Nick Fury has a black son we never knew about…named Nick Fury. Right. Okay. So fuck this and fuck comics. Thanks for pushing me over to Film Forum to watch 3 hour French movies from the 70s, Marvl. Now I’m pretentious. Great.”
-Thomas Gazelle

SESSION 9 (2001)

“Why don’t more producers just find scary abandoned places to film movies in? That’s cheap, right? Terrifying! My old lady had all the lights turned on and was shuddering and her hair turned white from watching this. I started talking in the scary deep mental patient voice to her and now I’m divorced. Ladies! Open for business! But I might have multiple personality disorder now. Fair warning.”
-Tommy Gazelle

MILLENNIUM (1989)

“After 20 years I still had trouble watching more than the first 45 minutes. How can a movie about post-apoc time travel, androids, plane crashes, and Cheryl Ladd having sess with Kristofferson be this boring? Someone needs to go back in time and re-write the screenplay or something”
-Dick Gazelle 

CRUEL INTENTIONS (1999)

“Rarrrr. Bitchy spoiled NYC teens double-cross each other and slug-trail across Park Avenue because rarrrrrrr. SelmBlair and SarMiGell have 90’s-style lesbianic experimentation with mouth on Sheep Meadow. Fatboy Slim is Ennio Morricone for this pre-Gossip Girl lame-sinning”
-Dick Gazelle 

“Totally like hand-on-top-of-shirt jr. high makeout. Limp. It’s tryin’ to be all sessy and decadent, but even the lesbo stuff is sorority party level. There’s a real calculated ‘WB but trying to show the world I can be a bad girl’ vibe that’s inauthentic. I’d rather see the story told with b-movie strugglers who are down for explicit whatever, but this is ‘millenial,’ so it’s all Fatboy Slim’ed etc.”
-Tommy Gazelle

THE SISTER OF URSULA (1978)

“Dagmar just wants to lounge around with her full bush and garter belts and hang out with the cool junkie with the dope hair. Her Seasisde resort va-ca, however, is totally spoiled by grouchy little sis Ursula and a serial killer who has a fatal knife-dick. Quaalude-y lounge singer with bad skin also not helping. Italian. “
-Tommy Gazelle

TV crushes of my childhood part 2:

Florence Henderson “Brady Bunch”
Karen Allen “Raiders of the Lost Ark”
Lori Loughlin “Full House”
Tiffany Amber Theissan “Saved By The Bell”
Danica McKellar “Wonder Years”
Corrine Boeher
Maureen McCormack “Brady Bunch”
Melinda Dillon “A Christmas Story”

(Source: gazellefamily)

ADAPTATION (2002)

“Adap, y’all. NicCage as nebbish. Works somehow. He adapted. Greer, Tilda, Meryl, and the dead hooker from ‘American Psycho’ make him (and me) mad with dizzire. The moral of this movie is that hack screenwriting usually makes a movie better? Yeah”
-Dick Gazelle 

“Cage’s last gasp of artistic cred on his way to tax court oblivion? Just to put it in perspective, I forgot he was the star of this, because I stopped expecting him to be in good movies (BAD LIEUTENANT excepted) so long ago. I axtually had to double-check that this hadn’t been someone else. But no - it was Cage, and it was good. Have we lost him forever?”
-Tommy Gazelle

HEARTBEEPS (1981)

“If you’re a fan of Robin Williams’ ‘Millenium Man’ you’ll love ‘Heartbeeps’!!!”
-Hollywood  

ghostradar:

TV crushes of my childhood:

Jan Smithers “WKRP In Cincinnati”
Pam Dawber “Mork and Mindy”
Shelley Long “Cheers”
Valerie Bertinelli “One Day At A Time”
Priscilla Barnes “Three’s Company”
Julie Newmar “Batman”
Jaclyn Smith “Charlie’s Angels”
Justine Bateman “Family Ties”

MATTHEW BARNEY: NO RESTRAINT (2006)

“Barney is like a fictional character. Quarterback turned J. Crew model goes to Yale and masters art, links up with Bjork, uses Dave Lombardo, Morbid Angel, and Agnostic Front in his videos. He’s like a cultural Bruce Wayne or something. It’s the same deal, instead of ‘Where does he get those wonderful toys?’ Say, ‘Where does he get funding to make petroleum sculptures on a Japanese whaling vessel?”
-Tommy Gazelle