PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE (2002)

“Ha! PT Anderson just cut and pasted the same performance Sandler does in every movie into a totally different context and made him look like a completely different dude. I’m like, ‘oh fuck! it’s really sad and scary when bros have tantrums and smash shit!’ Then I think about when I punched my windshield in 1998 and how uncomfortable my pals must have been. Sorry dudes.”
-Tommy Gazelle 

LE DIVORCE (2003)

“Le sigh… the french. Their scarves, their handbags, their divorce laws. A Francophile’s wet dream becomes a nightmare for the rest of us. Modine goes full metal jacket on the eiffel tower while down below duddley Naomi Watts gets Le Dumped and her hollow poet life gets eviscérée like a baguette made in Santa Barbara. Golddiggy K.Hud is le mistress of a fascist. But don’t worry, their OC-esque family becomes even more financially comfortable with the sale of a fucking painting. This movie is extraordinary, I might write a chapbook about it. Whew.”
-Donnie Gazelle

THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER (2012)

“These attractive, well dressed, kids having fun parties like to bully the wallflowers then… wait… Oh these are the wallflowers? Oh shit, then what the hell was I in high school? A floorfungus?”
-Donnie Gazelle 

HEADHUNTERS (2011)

“Ma Gazelle would take one look at the short guy in this movie next to his tall nordic wife and say to me, ‘Aw Taammy, that’s queeah!’ (you have to imagine the RI accent). That was always the first question she asked whenever I dated someone new: How tall is she? Ma would have really been off-put by this main character’s shortness and rooted for Jaime Lannister to wax him.”
-Tommy Gazelle 

DISTURBING BEHAVIOR (1998)

“Missed this at Carousel Mall. James Marsden eating lunch alone in the cafeteria, the new kid no one wants to be friends with because he’s too handsome. The message of this flick is so 90’s: The only people you can trust are alternative… the mainstream kids are evil”
-Donnie Gazelle 

“Honestly all I remember about this is that they used that not bad Harvey Danger song ‘Flagpole Sitta’ in the commercials. I maybe accidentally saw them for free in Providence once?”
-Tommy Gazelle 

STARCHASER (1985)

“Starchaser y’all. Skillfully combines the plot from Star Wars with a deep mistrust of Middle Eastern people and kinky robot fetish to create a beautifully animated but woefully boring film that even geeks who were 8 when it came out have never heard of.”
-Donnie Gazelle 

FAST AND FURIOUS 6 (2013)

“We’re at the point where the foley artist now makes weird ‘leather stretching’ sound effects whenever Dwayne Johnson moves his arms, because he’s not really looking human anymore. So. Is this really any more comprehensible than. like, UPSTREAM COLOR? i can’t actually tell you what happened. It’s all just…actions? By people simulators? And it’s EXCITING!”
-Tommy ‘Torreto’ Gazelle 

“Meatball Subs reciting passages from the action-movie glossary with emotionless intensity . A Mulatto-storm of metal and glass, NOS-fueled explosion of deltoids. The Microchip in the briefcase; you must get it from the other man who drives cars fast.”
-Donnie Gazelle

THE BOURNE LEGACY (2012)

“Totally faygo to the first three movies’ coke. Like - they’re both cola but you’re thinking, ‘this is juuuuust a little downmarket.’ But fuck it, when you’re thirsty you’re thirsty. I could watch Norton act in an office environment until they lower me into the ground.”
-Tommy Gazelle 

FOR ELLEN (2012)

“Yo. ‘Homage’ ? That’s one way to call it when you just re-film the ending of “Five Easy Pieces” for your ending. But I call that ‘Jacking Some Swag, Mayne’. Also ‘Lame’ and ‘Plagarism’
-Donnie Gazelle 

STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS (2013)

“So basically, in the 23rd Century humans will have enormous star cruisers that take us to distant galaxies at light speed, but we will have decided that Samsung flip phones from 1999 are the height of communication design. Got it. Oh and this was fun, see it in 3D, why not? You have a salary.”
-Donnie Gazelle

THREE AMIGOS (1986)

“I appreciate this for it’s richness of historical setting. 1916 was indeed a time when Hollywood movie stars and a Wild West environ could co-exist. It was a world where newfangled technology like telegraphs, automobiles, and aeroplanes challenged the imaginations of all people and Prussian veterans of WWI were looking for redemption in the wrong place. This is a highly researched look at a brief moment straddling two eras. One might call it “the Birth of the Modern”
-Donnie Gazelle 

“Candidly, this was the first of many times Chevy Chase let me down. Sure, on paper this is an all-star team, but so were the 2012 Florida Marlins. I dunno. Maybe I was still drunk on FLETCH and EUROPEAN VACATION. Martin Short is sort of like adding water to your cocktail, you know?”
-Tommy Gazelle 

ZERO DARK THIRTY (2012)

“Is it wrong to think that Dan the torturer seems like basically a pretty chill hang when he’s off-duty? Like, I’m not too psyched about him waterboarding heads, but it kind of seems like all he wants to do is bro down with his pet monkeys and have an ice cream at the end of the day.”
-Tommy Gazelle

VIAGGIO IN ITALIA (1954)

“2 duddley brits in a sessy land. Well, Sanders kind of wants to party and have an eye-tye affair with any one of a gaggle of Capri Sun-babes but he’s too unfocused in his bird-dogging and zooms his dizz-lazer on one that’s unavail. Ingrid on the other hand won’t even expose her arms to the Naples sun and even garlic is too spicy for this drip. This is the Mediterranean, baby. Take your coat off and have some chianti.  She’s worse than ScarJo in “Lost in Translation”.
-Donnie Gazelle 

LOST IN TRANSLATION (2003)

“Sorry you didn’t enjoy your free trip to Tokyo, Starlet Johandsome. What a drag! Sucks that you felt all sad and alienated and jetlagged. I just went there as well but had a great time. Felt really excited and interested and met a lot of fun people. Had no jetlag and just enjoyed myself. Sucks you had a bad trip.”
-Donnie Gazelle 

“Donnie and I occasionally differ on things. This is a prime example. Shit is maybe one of my favorite movies of all time ever. Just want to, like, be sad in Kyoto with Scar. Like, hold her hand and say, ‘your thinly-vieled Spike Jonze husband just doesn’t understand you, Scar. Let’s go sing Roxy Music and pretenders songs in Shibuya.’ Then we can be alienated and listen to Air.”
-Tommy Gazel 

THE PASSENGER (1975)

“Pfffft! Pure fiction - Jack has never even for a second entertained the idea of switching identities with anyone. Has there ever been a star more satisfied with the fact that he gets to wake up every day and be himself than Jack!? The answer is no.”
-Tommy Gazelle