Gazelle Family Netflix Reviews

UNDER THE SKIN (2014)
"Real talk: would you have sex with an alien even if it looked, like, alien? Like obvs duh any straight guy wants to make it with Scar, but, like, if it looked…like an ALIEN, you know? And it wanted to get busy? Would you do it? Like…just to say you did? Like last week? I bought a chocolate bar that had black truffle in it and cost $12. I didn’t even think it’d be good, but I wanted to say that I had done it (it was pretty good, fyi.) Same thing."-Tommy Gazelle

UNDER THE SKIN (2014)

"Real talk: would you have sex with an alien even if it looked, like, alien? Like obvs duh any straight guy wants to make it with Scar, but, like, if it looked…like an ALIEN, you know? And it wanted to get busy? Would you do it? Like…just to say you did? Like last week? I bought a chocolate bar that had black truffle in it and cost $12. I didn’t even think it’d be good, but I wanted to say that I had done it (it was pretty good, fyi.) Same thing."
-Tommy Gazelle

JOBS (2013)"Innovator. Visionary. GONIF. The con-man who convinced the world that a 3000% markup on a telephone was reasonable even when you would need to replace it every 16 months. YOU HUCKSTER, JOBS. YOU HUCKSTER. I miss the Caldor phone in my childhood kitchen"-Donnie Gazelle

JOBS (2013)

"Innovator. Visionary. GONIF. The con-man who convinced the world that a 3000% markup on a telephone was reasonable even when you would need to replace it every 16 months. YOU HUCKSTER, JOBS. YOU HUCKSTER. I miss the Caldor phone in my childhood kitchen"
-Donnie Gazelle

KILL LIST (2011)
"Honestly, if you set ANY religious ceremony in the woods it would look totally fucking scary. I mean…yeah masks and human sacrifice make it, like, worse? But even Catholic Xmas mass would look terrifying if you stumbled upon it at 3 am in the woods. Religion is just creepy that way."-Tommy Gazelle

KILL LIST (2011)

"Honestly, if you set ANY religious ceremony in the woods it would look totally fucking scary. I mean…yeah masks and human sacrifice make it, like, worse? But even Catholic Xmas mass would look terrifying if you stumbled upon it at 3 am in the woods. Religion is just creepy that way."
-Tommy Gazelle

THELMA AND LOUISE (1991)"I’ve thought Julia Roberts was in this since 1991. I finally watched it and I still think she was in it. But truthfully, G.Dav is def much more b’tizzy, no? Because she was getting that gold blum."-Donnie Gazelle
"Def don’t undertand RidScott. He does ALIEN…he does BLADE RUNNER…he does THELMA AND LOUISE. I guess he just digs directing movies about, like, people? Whether they’re in the future or present?"-Tommy Gazelle

THELMA AND LOUISE (1991)

"I’ve thought Julia Roberts was in this since 1991. I finally watched it and I still think she was in it. But truthfully, G.Dav is def much more b’tizzy, no? Because she was getting that gold blum."
-Donnie Gazelle

"Def don’t undertand RidScott. He does ALIEN…he does BLADE RUNNER…he does THELMA AND LOUISE. I guess he just digs directing movies about, like, people? Whether they’re in the future or present?"
-Tommy Gazelle

AUTO FOCUS (2002)"Dafoe’s very presence in the squeaky-clean ranch home of sunny swell Crane family is like a man from a dark parallel dimension. His face looks like a face from out of time, beyond the stars. In golly gee Burbank ‘65 he is Lovecraftian/Lynchian. Lynchcraftian."-Donnie Gazelle
"Seriously I’m obsessed with WillDef these days. Mrs. Gazelle is tired of it. I talk about him all the time. When I read interviews with him he seems like a totally cool guy who loves to travel and comes from a good family. But he looks like a photo of a guy in 1920s Romania who was found with a house full of human-body furniture and around 30 wild dogs on his property. Remember when he was the sexy romantic lead opposite Madge in BODY OF EVIDENCE!?"-Tommy Gazelle

AUTO FOCUS (2002)

"Dafoe’s very presence in the squeaky-clean ranch home of sunny swell Crane family is like a man from a dark parallel dimension. His face looks like a face from out of time, beyond the stars. In golly gee Burbank ‘65 he is Lovecraftian/Lynchian. Lynchcraftian."
-Donnie Gazelle

"Seriously I’m obsessed with WillDef these days. Mrs. Gazelle is tired of it. I talk about him all the time. When I read interviews with him he seems like a totally cool guy who loves to travel and comes from a good family. But he looks like a photo of a guy in 1920s Romania who was found with a house full of human-body furniture and around 30 wild dogs on his property. Remember when he was the sexy romantic lead opposite Madge in BODY OF EVIDENCE!?"
-Tommy Gazelle

THE MAN WHO LOVED WOMEN (1977)
"Is it a cultural thing that French women will be totally game to hang out if you cold approach them on the street and admit that you were staring at their legs? I’ll find out in Paris next month. I may never come back. ‘Mademoiselle, j’aime beaucoup vos jambes!"-Tommy Gazelle

THE MAN WHO LOVED WOMEN (1977)

"Is it a cultural thing that French women will be totally game to hang out if you cold approach them on the street and admit that you were staring at their legs? I’ll find out in Paris next month. I may never come back. ‘Mademoiselle, j’aime beaucoup vos jambes!"
-Tommy Gazelle

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER (2014)"Yeeeuh. This was awesome except for all the actors playing the characters. Would it really have been so hard to cast Paul Walker, 50 Cent, Alicia Witt, and George Clooney? Redford can stay."-Donnie Gazelle

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER (2014)

"Yeeeuh. This was awesome except for all the actors playing the characters. Would it really have been so hard to cast Paul Walker, 50 Cent, Alicia Witt, and George Clooney? Redford can stay."
-Donnie Gazelle

ROGER DODGER (2002)"What percentage of movies starring Jesse Eisenberg does he lose his virginity in? 80? 90? That’s his thing. That’s his place in cinema."-Donnie Gazelle.

ROGER DODGER (2002)

"What percentage of movies starring Jesse Eisenberg does he lose his virginity in? 80? 90? That’s his thing. That’s his place in cinema."
-Donnie Gazelle.

THE LOST EMPIRE (1983)"Sessy L.A. amazons jet off to Satanic Cult Island, where they must half-heartedly battle one another with sticks so that Angus Scrotum will choose one to… marry? kill? Luckily, mustachioed comic relief boyfriend swims there with an ancient diamond that does something. Robot spiders, tizzies, dick daleks, and the flattest one-liners. Sucked? Ruled?"-Donnie Gazelle

THE LOST EMPIRE (1983)

"Sessy L.A. amazons jet off to Satanic Cult Island, where they must half-heartedly battle one another with sticks so that Angus Scrotum will choose one to… marry? kill? Luckily, mustachioed comic relief boyfriend swims there with an ancient diamond that does something. Robot spiders, tizzies, dick daleks, and the flattest one-liners. Sucked? Ruled?"
-Donnie Gazelle

SOMEWHERE (2010)"You know what’s cool in movies? When something happens."-Donnie Gazelle
"See - I prefer movies where nothing happens! That’s like, my favorite shit! I thought too MUCH happened in SoCo’s last movie. this one? Sweet-spot."-Tommy Gazelle

SOMEWHERE (2010)

"You know what’s cool in movies? When something happens."
-Donnie Gazelle

"See - I prefer movies where nothing happens! That’s like, my favorite shit! I thought too MUCH happened in SoCo’s last movie. this one? Sweet-spot."
-Tommy Gazelle

THE COUNSELOR (2013)
"Is it really easy to get your hands on a black market leopard in Mexico? I feel like there were leopards hanging out in seriously every scene. Oh wait…it’s Mexico. It’s easy to get your hands on anything illegal at all times, duh."-Tommy Gazelle

THE COUNSELOR (2013)

"Is it really easy to get your hands on a black market leopard in Mexico? I feel like there were leopards hanging out in seriously every scene. Oh wait…it’s Mexico. It’s easy to get your hands on anything illegal at all times, duh."
-Tommy Gazelle

LA GRANDE BELLEZZA (2013)"La Dolce Vita + Holy Mountain ÷ Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls = This two-hour feast of celluloid. Buon Appetito!"-Donnie Gazelle
"Is it weird to want to fast-forward to my 60s? Are there any people on earth better than dissipated sexagenarian Italian writers who have seriously like 20 blazers in various colors and fabrics? Let’s cook up a plan to make me wealthy enough to live like this. Is it hard to write an acclaimed novel?"-Tommy Gazelle 

LA GRANDE BELLEZZA (2013)

"La Dolce Vita + Holy Mountain ÷ Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls = This two-hour feast of celluloid. Buon Appetito!"
-Donnie Gazelle

"Is it weird to want to fast-forward to my 60s? Are there any people on earth better than dissipated sexagenarian Italian writers who have seriously like 20 blazers in various colors and fabrics? Let’s cook up a plan to make me wealthy enough to live like this. Is it hard to write an acclaimed novel?"
-Tommy Gazelle 

RAIN MAN (1988)"Materialistic Brian Flannagan Charlie Babbit and his bro go on a cross country road trip so irritating that you will count the minutes left in this movie as attentively as DuffHoff counts toothpicks. It’s just one guy annoying the other guy without any variation for the first 90% of the movie. Cruise says “Ray” like Shia LeBeouf says “No.” Also, remember Valeria Golino? Whooosh.”-Donnie Gazelle

RAIN MAN (1988)

"Materialistic Brian Flannagan Charlie Babbit and his bro go on a cross country road trip so irritating that you will count the minutes left in this movie as attentively as DuffHoff counts toothpicks. It’s just one guy annoying the other guy without any variation for the first 90% of the movie. Cruise says “Ray” like Shia LeBeouf says “No.” Also, remember Valeria Golino? Whooosh.”
-Donnie Gazelle

THE LEGO MOVIE (2014)"Ultimate eye candy vision quest. A shamanic voyage into Lego land featuring voices of sitcom all-stars. Trademark property orgy results in ecstatic everything bagel of child-like euphoria. The only other brand I have as little cynicism about supporting is Sun-Maid Raisins. Real talk: Saw this twice. Neither time with a child."-Donnie Gazelle
"Really transcends the source material to tell resonant stories about modern life and relationships. JK! I didn’t  see this. I’m a fucking adult, duh."-Tommy Gazelle
"Does your teddy bear know you’re a ‘fucking adult’???"-Donnie Gazelle

THE LEGO MOVIE (2014)

"Ultimate eye candy vision quest. A shamanic voyage into Lego land featuring voices of sitcom all-stars. Trademark property orgy results in ecstatic everything bagel of child-like euphoria. The only other brand I have as little cynicism about supporting is Sun-Maid Raisins. Real talk: Saw this twice. Neither time with a child."
-Donnie Gazelle

"Really transcends the source material to tell resonant stories about modern life and relationships. JK! I didn’t  see this. I’m a fucking adult, duh."
-Tommy Gazelle

"Does your teddy bear know you’re a ‘fucking adult’???"
-Donnie Gazelle