SWEET MOVIE (1974)

“Ahhhh European hippies. This undoubtedly breaks some kind of record for the highest volume of dicks pissing shown in a non-piss porno film. And not just pissing, but people, like, swatting at the piss? Or…fuck. I dunno. I think this is about Communism or something. The foxy lead actress quit because it was disgusting.”
-Tommy Gazelle

“Btizz Quebecois bird has to marry the Dean from ‘Animal House’ but he pees on her with his gold dizz. She gets put in a suitcase by Rosey Grier which ends up on the Eiffel tower where a mariachi guy sesses her. Then she gets pelted with lettuce by the worst people on earth: Austrian theatre hippies. Meanwhile a Soviet bird sesses lil boys in a boat full of sugar. Proof that Europeans must never do LSD”
-Danny Gazelle 

EASTBOUND AND DOWN (2009)

“Kenny Powers has presence, man. Physical and verbal presence. He really seems dangerous and his glare will shut you down. Doesn’t matter that he’s a washed up loser. Dude will destroy you. You know a show has reached comedy perfection when a Will Ferrell appearance slows it down”
-Danny Gazelle 

“Yeah! I had a poster of Mark McGuire and Jose Canseco on my wall in 1989 that said ‘The Bash Brothers,’ and I was like, ‘Fuck! those guys are awesome.’ Wasn’t baseball fun then? When dudes had cool hair and took mad drugs? Now everyone’s Derek Jeter and it’s not that fun. I like to pretend Kenny Powers is real and that I used to have a poster of him on my wall.”
-Tommy Gazelle

THE HANGOVER PART II (2011)
 
“Remember in the 90’s when they re-made ‘Psycho’ shot for shot but with contemporary actors? This is just like that but for the first movie. And with the same actors.”
 -Danny Gazelle

“I got super wasted last April, and when i was passing out on the living room floor, I kept asking my old lady where my teddy bear was. ‘Where’s Teddy?! Bring him to me!!’ So when she saw this, she loved that a major plot point was that they were trying to find a guy named Teddy.”
-Tommy Gazelle

DON’T TORTURE A DUCKLING (1972)

“You know…giallo. Murder. Italy. So - foxy Barbara Bouchet is in this and she’s sorta one of the heroes? But she does some naked super not okay sexy shit to kids? And it must have been mad awkward to film? But I’m not sure Lucio Fulci wanted me to be freaked out by it…but any sane person would be. Unless they’re Italian, I guess. ‘Is sexy, no?’”
-Tommy Gazelle

“Basically everyone in this movie was way too into little boys.”
-Rikki Gazelle

SENNA (2010)

“Shit! This was GOOD! Though: missed style opportunities by it not happening in the 70s. I just kind of assumed it did and had visions of turtlenecks and dope plaid coats and huge sunglasses, but it was all in the late 80s and 90s, so Senna (who was awesome btw) just kind of dressed like Seinfeld. Only Brazilian.”
-Tommy Gazelle

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL (2008)

“Geriatric hero. Crash Bandicoot-esque jungle chases. Bong artwork-esque aliens. Childhood crush Karen Allen now looking like the 2nd most attractive teacher in your junior high. Soviet accents straight from Rocky and Bullwinkle. Shia LeBeouff without the Transformers. It’s just a mortality bender… a not-good movie.”
-Danny Gazelle 

“I bought these new boots? Marketed as the “Indy” boots. Like - - the boots he wears in the movies. And I’m sort of torn: Is that cool? Or is that lame? Am I like that barney in my film class who dressed up as characters for class? Or am I just a dude who bought really nice boots? Oh! The movie? Ummmm..I never saw it. Kenny Gazelle e-mailed me at 3 am to say DON’T GO SEE THAT! IT’S TERRIBLE. So I didn’t.”
-Tommy Gazelle

BLAME IT ON RIO (1984)

“Sir Michael Caine sesses his pal Joe Bologna’s teen daughter cause she wants it. Caine’s daughter is played by young DemMoore, and porno geometry dictates her sessing Bologna. But it never does the math. I love music from 80’s Rio movies. If I can find it, I’ll combine the soundtrack to this with that of ‘Wild Orchid”
-Danny Gazelle 

“I just feel like if you’re a middle-aged man, you simply do NOT want to tempt fate in such a way as to go to fucking Rio with your homeboy and his ripened daughter. I know there’s no way to anticipate that she’s going to be all sessed-up and persistent, but why risk it, man? Your friend? Will not be psyched.”
-Tommy Gazelle

I THINK WE’RE ALONE NOW (2008)

“Not sure if these two freaks obsessed with Tiffany are sadder than actual Tiffany, who seems pretty much to only appear publicly in conjunction with softcore porno stuff. Really? You’re in Playboy once and now you play Glamourcon every year? Shit. Debbie Gibson did CHICAGO on broadway.”
-Tommy Gazelle

“This movie makes you realize that there is at least one person on earth obsessed with every single obscure celebrity. Bobby McFerrin? There’s a 460 pound woman in the Bronx with a wall of your portraits. Toni Basil? There’s a guy in the Ozarks with psoriasis who masturbates to you every single day. He really feels a spiritual connection”
-Danny Gazelle 

ROLLER BOOGIE (1979)

“Ahhhh Venice. I was pretty sure it would only take me about 4-5 people before I found someone who could sell me heroin there. So-I was alive in ‘79 and grew up in the early 80s. If you NEVER MET a black person, but only new them from movies of that era, you’d be STUNNED that they didn’t rollerskate everywhere with a boombox, right? How did we get to NWA like only 8 years after this, LA?”
-Tommy Gazelle

“A young John Kerry stars opposite post-exorcism Linda Blair in a movie about rollerskating. They skate, they fuck, they smile! Venice Beach: where bearded dudes wear Baja drug-rugs and sleep in the sand. It’s, like, where I feel spiritually at home and yet I’m embarassed about that.”
-Danny Gazelle 

WHATEVER IT TAKES (2000)

“Whoosh. Whooshed by time, by 9/11, by the last decade until it laid like the cities of Ozymandias in forgotten sands, this movie is but a twinkly molecule of memory. Something about a nerd trying to get a girl with the help of a dude, and another girl likes him. “Just pullin’ your dick, man” is the sole shred of dialogue I recall after 837 pints of beer 1837 other films.”
-Danny Gazelle 

“Memories of this and GET OVER IT intermingle in my imagination like a lava lamp. No SisQo in this one? Wait. Shane West or Ben Foster/ One thing stands out in stark relief: Jodi Lynn O’Keefe (Whooshed away by time as well) begging West to be her date in a bikini. I was all, ‘daaayyyy-ummmmm. Who that is?’ Then I nevs saw her again.”
-Tommy Gazelle

CONTAGION (2011)

“Kinda like the best parts of ‘The Stand’; the parts without any of that magic bullshit. Just worldwide death. China starts it with their bat-pig lo mein. Then GwynPal brings it back here and smears it on her not-husband’s dizz. Way to go. All your fault. Failure.”
-Danny Gazelle 

CAN’T HARDLY WAIT (1998)

“Like THE BIG CHILL for douchey 90s teen actors. On the real? The kid who played a nerd? IS a nerd. He’s such a nerd that he went to MIT and just got nominated by Barry O to do something official. So he’s callin JLoHew and being all, ‘while the paparrazi shoots pics of your beach body and makes fun of you, I’m explaining math to the prez.”
-Tommy Gazelle

“Can I graduate? This was always on TV at Tommy’s place around the same time we were graduating from college. So even though it’s about graduating high school… I could, like, identify? With Facinelli? Cause he was awesome?”
-Danny Gazelle 

FIRE AND ICE (1983)

“Yo, this is, like…awesome? Frazetta-Heavy Metal-Conan animation with painted bg’s by Thomas Kinkade and big tizzied barbabrian princess? Except why does the hero look exactly like Wham-era George Michael? Not a badass look with the blow-dried blonde hair and two big earrings, dude. You do the jitterbug. You do the jitterbug.”
-Danny Gazelle 

“I like pretending the hero is Mace the Barbarian from Lucio Fulci’s masterpiece CONQUEST, and that he just started wearing that dope wolf-mask to hide the ‘I have no friends’ brand. The prob with this is the prob with HEAVY METAL: you wish the animation was as dope as the actual Frazetta paintings, you know? And it’s just cartoons.”
-Tommy Gazelle

GET OVER IT (2001)

“Are the Gazelles the only people on earth who ever saw this? This is epitome of Millennial, an era of pop-culture whose alien lameness is just now coming into focus. Despite the casting of Doritos-reeking Ben Foster and Whoosh-master SisQo, it’s got Dunst, Kunis, Saldana all in their era of sexual awakening, like pert, ya dig?”
-Dick Gazelle 

“Fucking SisQo! ‘Thong Song’ was some racist pandering bug-eyed Steppin Fetchit for the new millenium. He may as well have been Al Jolson. And he spun it into a brief teen movie sidekick career. Ben Fost is unrecognizable now and plays hard dudes in tweed hats, and Drunkst is fucking RELEVANT . I missed her and didn’t even realize I did. Welcome back Kiki.”
-Tommy Gazelle